“Clone Wars”: Geopolitics for Idiots
Before you jump to conclusions, I have to say that I am a “Star Wars” fan. Like many Generation X’ers, the original films inspired me to go into film and animation. That said, I have become increasing disillusioned by the newest spat of Star Wars work. “Clone Wars” is no exception. It’s not the beautiful concept art or the fantastic visual effects. It’s the writing - the horrid, horrid writing.
Clones are people too.
In “Clone Wars,” the Proto-Empire agents are bumbling, the robots are downright daft, the Jedi are smug rock stars, the clones are indentured slaves whose blood makes excellent tank grease. To make the situation more unbearable, brand new characters are thrown into the mix. Anakin gets a Padawan (think jailbait apprentice), whose snotty one-liners are right at home on Disney TV. Then there’s Jabba the Hutt’s stereotypically gay uncle. That’s right - he has an effeminate Southern accent and wears face paint and feathers. (What is with Lucas and stereotype characters?) Last, there’s Jabba’s son. Yes, he’s about a foot long and looks like and Anime baby. And it’s oh so cute when the Jedi call him “Stinky.”
And, yes, the plot revolves around Stinky. The Evil Proto-Empire kidnaps Stinky and tries to frame the Jedi. They hope to align Jabba with the Proto-Empire, thereby preventing the Jedi from moving equipment and men into various war zones (or is that “zones of conflict”?). Is Jabba really so powerful as to require such trickery? He has a handful of henchmen and a few sexy dancing girls with brain protuberances. Jabba can barely move, being rather corpulent and possibly high on illicit drugs. Couldn’t the Jedi, or the Proto-Empire, just snuff him out with a few star cruisers? How in the heck can Jabba’s mob control shipping lanes in space? The last time I checked, space was huge. For that matter, isn’t Jabba clever enough to figure out the ruse? There’s tons of technology in the Star Wars realm - some of it must be good for surveillance. A gumshoe from 1942 could have unraveled the plot with little more than the trenchcoat on his back.
Anyhoo, the Jedi find themselves fighting before, during, and after they rescue Stinky. (Yoda tasked them to this, but was too lazy to help out.) They fight endless hoards to retarded driods. There are the skinny, chicken-ish ones, the muscle-ly, big-torso types, the bug-like critters, and the expensive rolling stock with force fields. Is the Proto-Empire slash Trade Guild so strapped for cash that they can’t come up with a few hack-proof droids? And why are the only decent AI chips to be found in old R2 and gibbering protocol units? Can’t they strap guns on those guys? For that matter, have they forgotten to invent carpet bombing and long-range missiles? What about Mustard Gas and Agent Orange? The Proto-Empire puppet masters are Evil, aren’t they? Why not go for it? They probably control the press anyway.
The Jedi aren’t much better at war tactics. Sure, they got a good deal on clones. For being so enlightened, however, they send them into the fray without decent armor, tactical training, or basic survival supplies. Maybe clones are cheaper than battle droids, and a little smarter. But then you’d think the Evil dudes would use the clones and the Good guys would use the droids. That is, unless the clones have no souls. Do the Jedi not feel the clones’ pain as they are perfunctorily snuffed out? They’re standing right next to them, for God’s sake. They can feel a planet go “boom” a thousand parsecs away, but feel nothing for these guys. True, in “Clone Wars,” they pass words of thanks and encouragement, but in the end the Jedi shrug off the losses. Even when a Jedi battle cruiser gets creamed, sending the ship’s non-clone crew to a fiery hell, Obi can only quip some one-liner about how their plans may have to change. Tee-hee. Is it time for tea yet?
Has George Lucas ever read a history book or skimmed an editorial on world events? It seems that his current grasp of warfare and geopolitics is at the level of a first-grader fighting over Legos. And I say George because the film’s director admitted that Mister Lucas always gets his way when it comes to story plots and points. The Star Wars universe is endlessly interesting and has great potential for a penultimate struggle between Good and Evil. Unfortunately, “Clone Wars” just doesn’t provide grist for the galactic mill.